Vacation incompatibility is real. Here’s how to deal with it.

“I’ve walked 8 miles since we got off the plane this morning and we are absolutely breaking up over this.”

I got that text from my friend, who was traveling with her husband. Do not fear, dear reader, they did not break up. They’re still happily married and (mostly) happily traveling together. But that’s not the first text like that I’ve gotten from her, and she’s not the only person I know who’s had travel compatibility troubles. 

We All Have Different Travel Styles

People have very different ways they like to travel. From the time you get up in the morning to how much you see in a day to what you see in a day … we all have our preferences.

Our own styles can even change. Growing up, if my family wasn’t out the door before 9 am to explore, the day was practically wasted. Now, as a mom with a job and commitments all week long, I often just want to sit down. Maybe take a nap.

These travel troubles aren’t just among couples, either. Friends … families … you can find vacation-incompatible people in many different relationships.

But don’t despair – it’s possible to travel happily with people who have much different styles than you do. 

Tips for Traveling With Vacation-Incompatible People

I have my own experiences with vacation incompatibility, but I’ve compiled advice here from many different sources – experienced friends, fellow travelers, and even a couples counselor. 

There are things everyone on the trip can do to make sure it’s a fun and successful vacation. Here’s how to travel well with others:

Plan Some Time on Your Own

Just because you’re traveling with someone else doesn’t mean you’re glued to the hip. 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a couples counselor and founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She says that if one person likes a full day of activities, and the other wants to lie by the pool and read, plan time to each do those things. 

Or you can spend a few hours each day doing separate things – the go-getter can be up early to explore the city while the other person sleeps in. 

A friend of mine summed it up like this, “Being married doesn’t mean you have to spend your entire vacation together, 24 hours a day.” Dr. Bobby suggests that if you do spend time apart, plan to reconnect later in the day to do something you both enjoy. 

This can also be helpful for larger groups like extended families, where some people may have small children. Plan a day where some of you do something kid-centric while others tackle an activity too challenging for little ones. 

And child-free people, I’m not saying you’re obligated to do this. But you’ll make parents weep openly if you offer to do something with their kids one afternoon and let them get a drink together.

Know Your Must-Sees Ahead of Time

If you’re traveling as a couple or larger group, make a list of the sights or activities that are most important to each person and accommodate those. This is also one of my top tips for traveling with kids.

It can be easy for people with stronger personalities to take over the planning, but make sure to check in with everyone in the group so you know what they’d all like to do.

Branch Out

Dr. Bobby also advises that traveling with someone very different than you can be a good time to push yourself. 

She told me, “I tend to be a more spontaneous person. I don’t like to have a lot of pre-scheduled things, and when I go on vacations with my father, he likes to have things all planned out. We do all the things, and I do a lot more, I learn a lot more … I am challenged to do things that I probably wouldn’t have done otherwise because of hanging out with him, and I appreciate that.”

You may not want to travel like your partner all the time. But it can be a good exercise to try it sometimes. You may be surprised at the new things you do! Or you may find yourself enjoying a day at a slower pace. 

Compromise

Spend some time doing what your partner or fellow travelers want to do, and some time doing what you want to do. You might let one person plan what to do one morning, while another person takes the afternoon. Or let each person plan a day. You’ll want to talk this out ahead of time to make sure two people don’t plan the same activities, of course. 

Communicate

The common thread through all of the above advice is this: communicate and talk things out. 

Talk ahead of time about everyone’s expectations and plans for your trip. You don’t want to be waking up on the first day of your vacation to discover that each person had different ideas of how this journey would go.

If you’re traveling with a romantic partner, talk ahead of time about what each of you would like to do. Watch YouTube videos of your destination together. Do some research online and discuss.

If you’re traveling with friends, meet up over drinks or have everyone over for dinner and a planning night. Or start a group document where you can plan out your trip. 

We’ve also done phone or Zoom calls with family members to plan out our trips with larger groups. Lea Rose has some great tips for organizing itineraries and planning trips with other people. I highly recommend reading her advice on traveling with a group! 

Also, check in with people throughout the trip to see how they’re doing and how you’re doing. It’s okay to change plans for a day, even after your trip is underway. 

If these are people you plan to travel with often, it can also be helpful to debrief afterward. Talk about what went well and what you might do differently next time. This is also a fun time to talk about your favorite parts of the trip, and maybe look at pictures of your adventures together.

What to Avoid When Traveling with Others

Hopefully, following the above advice can help you to have a smooth trip with other people. But Dr. Bobby also has advice on what not to do when you travel with someone who operates differently. 

“I would at all costs avoid fighting about whose way is right, or [people saying] that their way is better than the other person’s.” She cautions not to “get into power struggles around how it should be, but really intentionally create a shared experience that is making space for both people’s version of reality.”

👉 Read Next: How to Survive and Thrive on Group Trips

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In the end, vacation incompatibility can be a good thing for us. It can force us to try things we haven’t done before. It can open our eyes to how other people think and operate. And it can leave space for us to explore on our own, even if we’re in a group.

Maybe the key is to stop looking at these differences as a challenge to overcome and to see it as an opportunity instead. A way to broaden our horizons. And isn’t that one of the goals of travel for most of us?

If there’s vacation incompatibility between you and your partner specifically, no worries! I asked Dr. Bobby all about traveling solo while you’re in a relationship. You can read my full post about it here: Is it okay for couples to travel separately?