Is it okay for couples to travel separately?

I have a friend who loves to hike and travel… and is married to a man who’s most content when he’s at home. They’ve worked out an arrangement that suits them both wonderfully. She’s taken solo trips to countries all over the world, and he’s a happy homebody who’s ready to welcome her back and hear about her travels.

It led me to wonder: Is it okay to travel solo without your partner? I’m not talking about girls’ trips or guys’ weekends. I mean, is it a good idea to plan a solo trip and not include your significant other? 

Spoiler alert: Yes… it almost always is. 

According to a couples counselor I interviewed, individual experiences are important

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a couples’ counselor and the founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She says there is a healthy way to travel without your partner.

“It is a really good thing for people to travel without their partners frequently. One of the things that will choke the life out of a relationship quicker than anything is this mental, emotional, and psychological enmeshment where we have to do everything together and we’re in lockstep about all the things.”  

She continues, “It breeds so much resentment. There’s so much emotional reactivity and it chokes all the life out of the relationship.”

Solo travel allows you to step outside your comfort zone and explore your interests, among other benefits

Traveling solo can help you reconnect with parts of you that may have gotten lost in the everyday grind of work, kids, and responsibilities. You don’t have to make plans for children to eat at regular times during the day. You don’t need to plan for nap time. On the other hand, if you want a nap, you don’t have to worry about ruining anyone else’s plans to explore the area!

You can travel at your own pace. You can eat exactly where you wish without compromising. And you can choose activities for the day that perhaps don’t interest your partner. 

On my own solo trips, I’ve been stretched beyond my comfort zone. When I travel with my husband, we each have our roles that have developed over the years. My spouse is very good at navigating so he’s always the one who gets us around. I’m more organized, so I’m the packer and finance-tracker.

But finding my way around a country where I didn’t speak the language, navigating taxis and menus, and other logistics was very good for me. It reminded me of who I was before I had kids and a spouse, when I was living and traveling more on my own. It’s good to get shoved out of your usual role and your comfort zone. 

The life circumstances in our family mean I haven’t taken too many solo trips in recent years. We had little kids for what felt like a hundred years or so, and they sucked up most of our time and money. 

But I did go to Germany and Bulgaria on a work trip a few years ago, and I was able to carve out some time to explore on my own. My husband did the same thing in London. We came home energized with new things to talk about with each other. 

Dr. Bobby shared that she and her husband also each took a solo trip recently. He went on a trip to Africa with a group interested in photography and they focused on taking pictures during the trip. 

She went on a trip focused on business owners where they networked and learned from each other. Both of them returned from their trips excited about pursuing their own interests, and with plenty to discuss together. 

But solo travel can be unhealthy for a couple if it’s a method of avoiding conflict

Dr. Bobby warns that planning separate trips because you’re trying to avoid arguments or other conflicts is a bad sign. 

“If you’re doing solo trips because you can’t figure out how to have a good time together, it won’t be a positive experience and it will be stressful and draining. That’s something to pay attention to,” she says. 

Thoughts like that mean there’s some growth work for you and your partner to do. And, as with many of these kinds of symptoms, it’s not really about travel compatibility. There are different problems in the relationship, which are probably bubbling up in areas besides your vacations. 

The key is that your solo experiences should be moving you toward something positive, like personal growth. They shouldn’t be a way of avoiding something negative, like spending time with your partner.

There are other pros and cons to solo travel, from gaining confidence to learning to manage anxiety

I tend to be a worrier and I have so many worries about traveling alone — just like I do about everything else! 

I remember crossing a street in Bulgaria and wondering, “What if I get hit by a random car here? How will my family ever find out? And how will they afford to get my body home for burial?”

You may not be quite as anxious as I am about, well, everything. But there are some considerations for those of us traveling alone. 

• Prioritize safety: You’ll want to take safety precautions wherever you travel, especially if you’re traveling solo as a woman — and definitely consider travel insurance. You don’t want financial concerns to keep you from making a safe choice. It would probably have put my mind at rest when I was crossing the street in the Balkans!
• Research to feel confident: You’ll also want to do your research. When you travel in a group, you may not be the person who usually does the planning and research for a destination. When you go alone, you’re your own tour guide… and everything else! 
• Read others’ solo travel tips: Betty has some great tips for solo travelers based on her time traveling Europe by herself. Additionally, Claudicet wrote a great perspective piece on her experience taking solo trips as a single parent. 
• Acknowledge your feelings: While it’s wonderful to have time to yourself and do what you want, traveling alone can feel lonely — especially for those of us who aren’t used to having a lot of alone time. You might miss your partner or your kids. You might have some experiences and wish your loved ones were there to share them with you. 

All of that is to be expected. You don’t have to love every second of your trip to make it a worthwhile trip. It’s ok to miss the people you’re used to spending so much time with. 

Who knows? You may even decide to return with them another time. My husband and I are currently planning a trip to Iceland, a place he went without me about ten years ago. It’s helpful to have someone who’s already been there, knows you really well, and can help plan your trip!

Here are my tips for traveling solo when you’re in a relationship

The key to healthy solo travel without your partner is, unsurprisingly, also the key to a healthy relationship: communication. 

Dr. Bobby advises couples to talk openly with each other at each stage. It’s important to encourage your partner to have their own hobbies and interests, and that can extend to travel as well.

Along with communicating well, you’ll want to do a few very practical things when you travel apart from your partner. 

Share your itinerary

As a safety measure, make sure your partner knows where you’re going and when. If something happens and you can’t be reached, this gives people a place to start looking for you. 

Discuss when you’ll talk

If you’ll be in a different time zone, you might want to schedule times to talk to each other ahead of your departure. Your partner may love you very much… but that doesn’t mean they want to chat about your day at 3 am their time! 

If you have kids, you’ll also want to make sure to plan a time they can say “hi” — they’ll miss you!

Discuss how you’ll communicate

Will there be cell service where you’re going? If so, will it be expensive to use your phone? Do you want to Zoom or FaceTime or use another app to communicate? It’s helpful to discuss these ahead of time and download your travel apps while you’re still home.

Bring them something

This tip is, admittedly, a personal preference. But I like knowing my spouse was thinking about me while he was gone, and that he bought something he thought I’d enjoy. 

It doesn’t have to be big or lavish. When he was in Iceland, he brought me back an Icelandic chocolate bar and a face scrub from the Blue Lagoon. When you’re the partner who was “left behind,” it’s nice to know your Sweet Babboo was thinking of you. And don’t forget your kids!

Of course, this varies by couple. If you’re minimalists who don’t want new things, this might not work for you. The key, once again, is communication. 

***

I find that I feel guilty when I do things for myself, including traveling alone. Honestly, I think moms in this country are programmed to feel guilty for just about everything… but I’m trying to get over it. And I definitely have travel anxiety about everything, from random street accidents to getting sick alone to getting lost. I could go on and on!

But I think solo travel can be a wonderful practice for couples. I hope to do more of it myself. I even hope that, as I do, I can get rid of some of that guilt and anxiety I don’t need to carry. And I hope that I can discover parts of myself I didn’t know existed… and rediscover parts I’d forgotten.

What do you think? Should couples travel solo? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. 

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